I am in mourning, I am weary and recovering from illness, I am not yet fully fit to participate in the workforce. I have to begin again. Restart. Respawn. Evolve once more the identity that is myself. Apathetic and negative thoughts hit hard and I just want to roll myself up in the warm wet blanket they create. Push. Why? My companion is gone and I had to make the decision to end her. Yes, she was my dog, my pet. After fourteen years you loose that pet/master relationship and there is a synchronisation, a rhythm develops between people in such close connection.
I knew this day was coming last year, but there was still time. The week before her instability was noticeable. Then on Monday morning she only just made it up the back stairs. Leaning up against everything she could support herself. So I rang the Vet. The Vet was wonderful and caring making sure the situation was not a short term illness or an inner ear caused vertigo. Then I was asked if I had come to put my dog down. I was already sitting on the floor along side my companion of fourteen years. Between sobs I blurted out the affirmation. I had come to make sure that she did not suffer. I have not the time, money, nor the house to wait while slowly she lost more and more mobility.
After the anesthetic was given to her I removed her collar, set her loose.
My house is empty now. I have no desire to do anything some days. I push myself out of bed, go out and walk because I have to keep some semblance of regularity. I leave the radio on during the day. I make times to meet friends and family. I write this with tears cause it is too soon. Can this pass me soon? No answer comes. One day after the other. Move through the memories and reminders. Reminders of a long time now no more. No wonder people want a future when those who are absent reappear or a destination where that which animates human and animal is clothed once more in flesh. One more day? How can that which was so much a part of life not make life less because of its absence. Essential requirement was that which was, not anything else new.
Give thanks. Look forward in knowing what is now. Not easy. Pfft! Easy is that which has no struggle attached. This is life. That was a dogs life, but it was part of my life too. Has something of me died as well? Is that life? A sequence of deaths until the final cut removes that which animates the body I dwell in? How many more cuts to come?
No end in sight. No way to end this with a tight conclusion, that too is so much like life. Narrative has a clear end. Life seems to continue, one way or another. So continue.
Thanks my companion. I will continue.